You know, the calm dude from the playoffs. Then again, the Ravens weren’t paying for Joe Flaccid. Did Joe Flaccid’s mega-contract make Bill Barnwell’s list of worst NFL contracts just five months ago? 2 Yes. To recap: durability, pretty deep balls AND timely pass-interference penalties! You wouldn’t call it the sexiest quarterback package, and you certainly wouldn’t feel great about paying one of the league’s most lucrative ransoms for it. It’s a fancy way of saying, “He excels at throwing deep and making SOMETHING happen.” Over everything else, it’s the scariest thing about wagering against Joe Flaccid - an experience that isn’t really that scary. In fact, Flacco led the NFL in a goofy-but-valuable statistic called “clutch-weighted expected points based on penalties” in five of the last six seasons. He also throws a splendid deep ball that yields big plays and valuable pass-interference penalties. In his first seven regular seasons, Joe Flaccid won 72 of his 112 starts without missing a game. His best quality? Hold on, you might want to take a seat because it’s so exciting: that’s right, durability. His career passing rating (84.8) trails generational rivals like Jay Cutler (85.2), Andy Dalton (85.2) and Cam Newton (85.4). 1 He cracked the top 10 for passer rating only once: in 2010, when he finished seventh. Until 2014, he never cracked the top 10 for QBR. He spent most of 2013 looking like this generation’s Vince Ferragamo: 19 touchdowns and 22 picks (and just a 73.1 passer rating).

He has one career four-TD game and one career five-TD game. He’s never run for 200 yards in a season. He started 112 games and topped 300 yards in only 21 of them. He has never thrown for 400 yards (in a game) or 4,000 (in a season). That version of Flacco averages 21.1 touchdown passes per season. You barely notice Joe Flaccid during the regular season … unless he’s starting for your fantasy team, in which case something clearly went wrong. Maybe he’s really two people - Joe Flaccid is Regular-Season Clark Kent, Joe Flacco is Playoff Superman.

Or maybe it’s just the perfect way to describe Baltimore’s quarterback. Hey Simmons, I got you a belated Christmas/Happy 2015 gift: it’s the winningest road playoff team in NFL history and Foxboro’s arch nemesis, the Baltimore Ravens! I know you said you weren’t worried but after hammering our most bitter rival, in their stadium, I - OH MY GOD, THAT’S PLAYOFF JOE FLACCO’S MUSIC!!!!!!!!!Īnytime you type “Flacco” into your iPhone, it autocorrects to “Flaccid.” Does it happen courtesy of a ball-busting Apple programmer from Pittsburgh or Cleveland? Maybe.

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